nightquill

OK, you read it here first

2009-03-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

We have been waiting for someone to describe President Obama's recent decision to start pumping up his market optimism as using the "bullish pulpit."

No one did, yet. Help yourselves and enjoy.

--The Nightquill Publishing Empire

nihil nisi bon-mot III

2008-02-11T23:56:00.000-08:00

The shattered remnants of the once mighty nightquill publishing empire emitted their annual gasp of impeccable taste in the Style Invitational's annual poetry contest in memory of people who died in the previous year.

Fourth place:
Not for being greatly good --
Not because he knew he would --
Jerry Falwell's gone above,
Unto his Creator's love,
Spending every night and day
With angels black and angels gay.
God our Father knows us all well;
Knows what's Hell for Jerry Falwell.

Honorable Mention:
Enjoy a calm retirement, Dubya;
Molly's not around to "Shrub" ya.

Unpublished, and our last word (for now...)
Leona Helmsley went and died.
The best hotels? She used to own 'em.
All other comments lay aside --
De mortuis nil nisi bonum.

Anagrams of the week

2007-10-11T02:07:00.000-07:00

We are nation-building = I argue Bin Laden won it
Blackwater Security = sack Beltway recruit

Build your own at: http://wordsmith.org/anagram/

Insufficient Postage

2007-08-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

Once again, the nightquill staff contributed to the Washington Post's Style Invitational under our usual alias. The contest was to summarize a book or movie in a few lines of verse. Only one of these saw the light of day.

Mr. Hyde subdued his meek half;
Jekyll should have stuck with decaf.

Rhett was a handsome, dashing varlet;
His eyes were black, but his sin was Scarlett.

[a pet peeve] Aristotle's Poetics:

Aristotle said a play
Should have one place -- one theme -- one day;
So everybody had to write
Their Long Day's Journey Into Night.

Three Men and a Baby;
The title is eloquent.
All that's left is to wonder
Whither Tom Selleck went.

Signs of the last days

2007-02-05T01:54:00.000-08:00

If anyone at anytime is going to annihilate us for hubris and decadence, it will surely come close on the heels of the two CONSECUTIVE ads I heard on the radio today:

One for frozen, ready-made peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches (it is now too much work to put peanut butter and jelly on bread), and

One for the 5-bladed safety razor, which, as if that wasn't enough, comes with an optional battery, even though it's not an electic razor. You can spend a long time at the website without figuring out what the battery's actually for. And, as everyone has pointed out long ago, 5 blades was so stupid that it was a gag in The Onion in 2004.

nihil nisi bon-mot II

2007-01-30T23:31:00.000-08:00

At the prompting of the Style Invitational, we once again sing of those who passed away in the last year:

Urned an honorable mention:

The Celtics' Auerbach is dead;
The foes of Green no more see Red.

Cremated:

Lloyd Bentsen, Jr., praised of men,
Has met Jack Kennedy again.

And now we know what all the while
We thought: in Heaven, money's through.
How else could Milton Friedman smile,
And J. K. Galbraith, too?

Botha and Milosevic,
Pinochet, Hussein:
Would that we could say we'll never
See their like again.

Ads backwards

2006-10-22T01:05:00.000-07:00

There will be a new political poem someday soon. In the meantime, please enjoy these advertisements:

1) For Kuleto's restaurant in San Francisco: a poster placed in the lobby of the American Conservatory Theater. "Dine at Kuleto's and be sure to make the curtain call." Making the curtain would probably do more to promote enjoyment of the play. If you would like to see another restaurant make the same mistake live and online, see the listing for Anjou here.

2) For Conoco gasoline and subsidiaries (nationally): "Life happens between empty and full." No, life happens between full and empty; fill-ups happen between empty and full.

back to the Post

2006-09-26T00:47:00.000-07:00

Not only is this week's Style Invitational a veritable feast of news poems, but one of nightquill's occasional freelancers, David Smith, whom we use when we are desperate, actually won the thing. Note that he also had two poems listed as honorable mentions and one in the "Online Only" addendum. In order to appreciate the latter, you have to read this music review. OK, not quite news.

For Joe

2006-08-03T01:59:00.000-07:00

We can't let the Connecticut senatorial primary go without a poem:

It's rare that we Jews
To the Senate send forth a proxy,
But still, must we snooze
While you grossly abuse
All our dearly-held views
Of the liberal orthodoxy*?

You're the President's darlin';
Dissenters? Don't need 'em!
I'd rather trust Arlen
To safeguard my freedom.
Your lust for publicity,
Your arrogant preaching,
Your almost-complicity
In Clinton's impeaching --
(I guess he feels pain for you;
If it were me,
I wouldn't campaign for you,
not for a fee.)
-- make me hate your leaps right
And desire to shun 'em;
I'm sick of the sight
Of your puppy-dog punim.

We thought you were fine
On the national ticket,
Now bloggers opine
You should take it and stick it.
You're losing your mojo;
Oh, say it ain't so, Joe!
We'd vote for Lamont,
If we could.
(But we cahn't**).

But don't get too glum,
And eat all your spinach,
And you just might become
First Selectman of Greenwich.

...........................................
*pardon the expression

**The nightquill publishing empire is based in California, the only state with an infrastructure large enough to support it.

poetry shortage

2006-06-16T00:35:00.000-07:00

Most of the nightquill senior poets, associate poets, and trainees have melted away like expensive chocolate on the plastic front seat of a '72 Chrysler Newport after hearing the news that public affairs officers at CENTCOM, the Florida-based command center for our Middle East forces, are being paid tax dollars to cruise the blogosphere and post comments on lefty blogs like this one pointing to the "good news" at their propaganda site. We don't know if it's legal, but we do know it makes us queasy and slightly scared. And a bit insulted that they haven't come here.

So it's just little old me in the shop, and all I can do (probably until the summer at least) is provide you with 1) the greatest allegedly serious sentence ever written and
2) a great new item from a real humorist.

1) "The chickens of the association of intellectual freedom with the
unfettered freedom of the market have come home to roost."

-- Elizabeth Fox-Genovese in a Washington Post book review, circa 1990.

Remark 1: Oh, THOSE chickens.
Remark 2: (insert your Fox/chicken joke here.)
Remark 3: Isn't it intellectual freedom that's supposed to be unfettered, and the market occasionally regulated?
Remark 4: "Chickens of the Association" should be a rock band. Maybe doing Zappa covers.

2) The latest from David Jaggard, Issue 66 of the Quorum of One.

finally the fibonacci meme arrives

2006-05-20T01:22:00.000-07:00

You would have thought that a political-poetry empire led by a science geek would have come before now to the fibonacci-poem craze (1,1,2,3,5,8 syllable lines), but, first, we are rather clueless for an empire, and, second, we were waiting to see which of our efforts made the pages of this Sunday's Style Invitational. This was our honorable mention; check out the winners at the link.

To Joe Lieberman:

It
Ain't
Brave, your
Behavior.
Please kiss a tiny
Bit less Presidential hiney.

Our other entries:

One
of
Cheney's
hunting pals
had a lot more luck:
Scalia, robed, looks like a duck!

George
Bush
(I mean
W.)
plots a Persian putsch.
But please don't let that trouble you.

"Oy
Vey,"
we say,
"Abramoff
Bilked a casino!"
But then again, what do we know?

So
John
Kerry
Just might run?
There's something in it.
He hasn't stopped for a minute!

Atrocity of the week: Alphonso Jackson

2006-05-10T23:34:00.000-07:00

We love these apalling but petty stories....they're the ones that call the nightquill middle echelons out of their drunken stupors and encourage them to borrow the keyboards back temporarily from the monkey/shakespeare experiment...

HUD secretary Alphonso Jackson recently bragged to a large audience about pulling a federal contract from a winning bidder because he criticized the President. Pretty chilling stuff, if petty; but he now claims he made the story up. Which we suppose is slightly better. Thanks to Lee at The Passionate Center for running the story. Whether it happened or not, the bragging says a lot about the character of Mr. Jackson and this administration.

When did HUD's director grow so
Like a third-rate mafioso?
You'll go swimming where the swans go
If you piss off Don Alphonso.
Say his capo's not a pillar --
He'll become your contract killer.

Post-modern geopolitics

2006-04-21T00:19:00.000-07:00

An analysis of President Hu's visit to Washington in the Post today refers to Hu's call for US/Chinese "partnership" on international affairs this way:

A key test of that partnership will be ... whether it can force its patron North Korea to return to six-nation talks on ending its nuclear ambitions.

I guess the North Koreans were right: getting nuclear weapons really did increase their clout in the world....

incantation

2006-04-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

Three Weird Sisters join the whole nightquill staff in celebrating the departure of that Mayberry Macbeth, Tom DeLay.

By the tingling of my toes,
Something wicked that way goes....

Not all are pure who love to give;
Not all who scam are jailed.
But we are sure that we will live
To see The Hammer nailed.

Now, one more smirk
And back to work.

you never can

2006-03-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

A confidential source on Capitol Hill reports:

Apparently the Chief of the British Air Staff is called Sir Jock Stirrup.

Enunciate that ve-e-ery carefully, please.

Moreover, at a congressional hearing this week on the Joint Strike
Fighter program, he said, "You can never have too much thrust."

Really. I promise.

painless for whom?

2006-02-21T22:49:00.000-08:00

No humor today. Many recent news stories on the death penalty, and the possible cruelty of the use of lethal injection, which may be true but is irrelevant (see below). The death penalty needs to be taken on frontally, not sideways, and on the basis of what it does to all of us, not to the convicted.

The most completely painless way
To execute a man
Was practiced long before the day
It got its name and its cachet
From Dr. Guillotin.

Our needle brings a worse demise,
So anyone who delves
Into its use will realize
The ones we would anaesthetize
Must be ourselves.

ah bliss

2006-02-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

Sure, the news is bad.
But, cheer up. It could be verse.

Should have been our motto, but it belongs to the great Gene Weingarten, as he does news poems professional-style in this week's Post.

guest blogger: Charles Lutwidge Dodgson

2006-02-15T00:26:00.000-08:00

Dodgson (Lewis Carroll), while at Oxford, wrote a poem entitled "The Deserted Parks", protesting the conversion of Oxford parkland to cricket fields. His social criticism expanded into what seems to us an idictment of the effects of wealth generated by an economy based on easy money, bubbles, and finance. Remarkable that this was 1867, not today. The excerpt:

...Ye friends to truth, ye statesmen, who survey
The rich man's joys increase, the poor's decay,
'Tis yours to judge, how wide the limits stand
Between a splendid and a happy land.
Proud swells go by with laugh of hollow joy,
And shouting Folly hails them with "Ahoy!"
Funds even beyond the miser's wish abound,
And rich men flock from all the world around.
Yet count our gains. This wealth is but a name,
That leaves our useful products still the same.
Not so the loss ...

Three short variations on a theme

2006-02-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

It can't be pleasant
To have Dick Cheney treat you like a pheasant.

One Middle East dictator
Has seen the drill: "shoot first, explain it later."

Scalia had some luck.
Picture him in that robe -- and then a duck.

a tribute to Odd-Even Bustnes

2006-02-03T01:48:00.000-08:00

Today, no bitterness -- only joy! The New York Times' analysis of President Bush's energy policy (don't get me started) included a quote from energy conservation and efficiency expert Odd-Even Bustnes.
Click on his bio above to read about his extraordinary life.....or just read on.

Odd-Even Bustnes! Here's an ode
To everything you are, and do,
But mostly to your name, of course,
Which must remain the best of you,
Despite the fact that once you rowed
Olympically for native Norway,
Or that you rose to be a force
In oil use and conservation,
Serving your adopted nation,
And more than this, you did it YOUR way--

Never mind the mountain peaks
You've scaled right to the very tops;
Never mind the many weeks
You spent in Norway's Special Ops;
Never mind the way you dwell
In spots like Swaziland, Peru,
And Zambia (I bet you'd tell
A pretty dashing tale or two,
And groupies swear there is no cuter
Rocky Mountain Instituter!).

Great the gifts with which you're blessed,
Both by nurture and by nature,
But your parents gave the best
With their gift of nomenclature.
Yet when Bustnes tykes emerge,
Don't make them schoolyard cannon-fodder:
Grit your teeth and fight the urge
To name them something Even-Odder.

Coda:

Take my kidding with good grace,
It comes from one whose name lacks fizz --
Is so profoundly commonplace,
His friends forget just who he is.

nihil nisi bon-mot

2006-01-29T22:47:00.000-08:00

Once again, nightquill has crossed swords with the massed Losers of the Washington Post's Style Invitational.

This week's contest was a challenge to taste as well as humor: writing poems on people who died in 2005. Now you can play "second-guess the Empress": did she pick our best to see the glorious inky light of print?

Honorable Mentions, in the print edition of today's Post:

When Admiral Stockdale came to bask
In Heaven's golden glare,
I'm sure he had no need to ask
What he was doing there.

A single year has never claimed such literary pillars!
What stock have we remaining of Saul Bellows? Arthur Millers?
And Miller married Marilyn! and Bellow, 84,
Became a father; holding out a hope forevermore
To every brainy little boy named Goldberg or Shapiro
Of turning out a sexual, not just artistic, hero.

Semi-honorable mention, published on line only:

Who'd build a house for Frank Lloyd Wright?
Cook Wolfgang Puck a mussel?
For only he would dare recite
A verse for Nipsey Russell.

Relegated to the squalid shantytown of self-publication:

Cardinal Sin
No longer means
Salvation in
The Philippines.

If ever he had cause for guilt,
He turned to better things;
And now, just like the cars he built,
DeLorean has wings.

Heaven's host assembled sits,
Convened by Carson's biggest Fan,
But Johnny tinkers with his skits
And waits for Ed McMahon.

deep (blue) background

2006-01-10T23:38:00.000-08:00

Have you ever gone to the NSA website? It's the slowest I've ever seen -- they must be reading your entire hard drive while their screen downloads. And until the logo finally manages to arrive, these words appear in its spot on the screen:
Image: National Security Agency insignia disappearing into a dark blue background.
Text: Welcome to NSA.gov.

The Washington Post reports today that the Inspector General of the NSA, Joel Brenner, has launched an internal probe concerning the surveillance of the communications of American citizens which has been taking place without the approval of the surveillance court. As a result, the Pentagon's Inspector General has said it doesn't need a probe of its own, and the Inspector General at Justice says it's none of his business. Of course, all these gentlemen are part of the executive branch which is the source of the problem, and Brenner himself approved the program previously.

In his honor, we're using a song which has probably served as the scaffolding of more parodies than any other:

I am the very thorough NSA Inspector General.
My interest in your privacy is flimsy and ephemeral.
My new investigation of the spying that I ratified
Will only end when all the perpetrators are beatified.
And while my probe is going on, I'll tell you from my podium
That any other prober should be treated with opprobrium.
And anyone who'd like to duck a question with agility
Can say that any comment would impede my probe's utility.
Chorus: Can say that any comment would impede his probe's utility.
Can say that any comment would impede his probe's utility.
Can say that any comment would impede his probe's utili-tili-ty.
And so, since both my counterparts at Justice and the Pentagon
Eschew responsibility, and Congress won't prevent a con,
I'm hoping your attention span is flimsy and ephemeral:
I am a very thorough NSA Inspector General!
Chorus: He's hoping your attention span is flimsy and ephemeral:
He is a very thorough NSA Inspector General!

sometimes a couplet says it all

2005-12-31T01:38:00.000-08:00

Ahmed Chalabi's the new oil minister.
Does anyone else find this mildly sinister?

Peter Ferrara, or recovering our faith in human nature

2005-12-26T00:58:00.000-08:00

See, this is more like it. When we start to realize that the world and our government are just too unrelievedly depressing to be funny about, we find a case of someone being corrupt in such a petty, amusing way that our satirical flame is rekindled.

Such is the case of Peter Ferrara, a frequent writer of economically conservative op-ed pieces and mastermind of the movement to privatize social security (excuse me -- personalize). To quote from the article in the Washington Post, "Peter Ferrara of the Institute for Policy Innovation has acknowledged taking payments years ago from a half-dozen lobbyists, including [Jack] Abramoff. Two of his papers, the Washington Times and Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader, have now dropped him. But Ferrara is unapologetic, saying: "There is nothing unethical about taking money from someone and writing an article."

The think tank where he currently works, the Institute for Policy Innovation (motto: "Why not rob from the poor and give to the rich for a change?") has done a delightful job of strenuously distancing themselves from Ferrara while praising his work with them, in the mode of loving the sinner and hating the sin (the link is in the upper right-hand corner of their home page at the moment).

Ferrara also deserves an award for Shortest Attention Span in the Blogosphere; his blog consisted of nine whole posts. Perhaps he figured out that no one was paying him.

Without further ado:

Peter Ferrara sure Innovates Policy --
Innovates ethics completely away.
His journalist's pose is the "anti-Mike-Wallace"; he
Writes what you like if you offer to pay.

When someone's opinions come wrapped in a bank's note,
They'll want more than taking them "under advisement".
A journalist ought to just write a "no-thanks" note,
Or else start the column with "Paid Advertisement".

Peter Ferrara, the Times would've sued ya,
For staining their rep., if, in fact, they had had one.
Perhaps you could write for some rag in Fallujah;
Your briber would then be the Feds -- not a bad one!

traipsing into controversy

2005-12-22T00:24:00.000-08:00

Recommended reading: the full ruling of U.S. District Court Judge John E. Jones III in the case of Kitzmiller vs. Dover Area School District. It's an extraordinary lesson in legal reasoning, US history, and the critical parsing of propaganda.

On page 63, about to embark upon the question of whether Intelligent Design is science, Judge Jones states, "after a six week trial that spanned 21 days and included countless hours of detailed expert witness presentations, the Court is confident that no other tribunal in the United States is in a better position than we are to traipse into this controversial area."

Judge Jones is my new hero, despite being a Republican and a Bush (II) appointee. Who knew Republicans could traipse?

Note: yes, we will write a poem again someday. The nightquill publishing empire has been succumbing to an epidemic of Lehrer's Disease ("it's easier to be funny when you're not bitter and angry" -- Tom Lehrer, on why he gave up political satire).

et tu, statcounter?

2005-12-21T22:27:00.000-08:00

The FBI AND the Pentagon are spying on legitimate political groups. One member of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court is making anonymous noises about disbanding in protest over the President's ignoring it and illegally wiretapping US citizens, while one member has already resigned.

Now seems like a particularly good time to let you know that nightquill is watching you, too; through the Statcounter tool, we can see what computers are accessing the site, and also what browser and operating system they use (Hi, Mom).

We may not see you when you're sleeping, but we know when you're awake.

Statcounter is, like many things these days, a free service which would like to persuade you to become a paying customer anyway. Their come-on, displayed at the top of the page every time the nightquill marketing department logs in, reads

Increase your log size today!

Don't I get enough of that in my daily spam?

a disadvantage of the tour de force

2005-12-09T22:41:00.000-08:00

This quatrain, dedicated to the Kansas Board of Edukation, contains only the letters in the name "Charles Darwin". This is supposed to make up for its not being funny. We have mentioned before that the Science Affairs desk has lost its sense of humor.

CHARLES DARWIN

His new ideas had earned a wide reliance
E're hidden DNA was learned as well.
"ID" tells lies; denies a child science;
And cries, when riled, "Here is sin and Hell!"

overlook my overlook, please

2005-12-04T01:15:00.000-08:00

As you may know, New Hampshire recently augmented its property tax with an additional valuation based on the view from one's property.

The tax New Hampshire overlooked
Is overlooked no more.
And if your yard is hilled and brooked,
Don't take it hard; your goose is cooked.
And, lest you be hauled in and booked,
You'll pay, and not get sore.
If, in your view, this ain't too great,
Then please don't tell the Granite State,
'Cause I can guess just what they'll do:
They'll slap a tax on that view, too.

knock yourselves out

2005-11-30T00:45:00.000-08:00

The Washington Post reports today,

"The [Transportation Security Administration] has been reviewing its
list of prohibited items since last summer and has debated whether
throwing stars (a martial-arts weapon), ice picks and knives should be
allowed back on board [airplanes], according to TSA documents."

Twinkle, twinkle, throwing star,
How sublimely sharp you are!
Up above the world so high,
On the plane in which I fly.

We so fear to make an error
In the fight to stave off terror,
That we give up civil rights
For the sake of peaceful nights,

And treat with even greater scorn
Rights of people foreign-born
(Habeas corpus? Not a bit of it!
Detainees shall have no writ of it!).

I thought that I should never see
The day we'd choose to be more free,
But now -- you'd think I'd jump for joy -- a
Small retreat from paranoia!

Why, though, should I be inspired,
When what we'll win's the least desired
Of all the rights we could regain:
To bring sharp objects on a plane?

Great American poets / Great American products

2005-11-18T21:52:00.000-08:00

This has been one of those weeks when the nightquill staff has been chained to their desks toiling for the glory of our usual stalking horse in the Style Invitational of the Washington Post. The fruits of these efforts will appear here eventually, but in the meantime we compensate by reliving past glories from that same contest.

The challenge was to present famous advertising jingles as they would have been done by famous poets. Three great American poets were channeled to tackle the old Coca Cola jingle, "I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company" (which dates at least one member of the nightquill board).

Emily Dickinson was shy:

I'd like -- to buy --
The world -- a Coke --
But can't face --
Company --

e e cummings found a hidden message:


                 i'd like to buy the world
(- a coke                      and keep it
   company)

...and Walt Whitman can be counted on for a hearty finale:

I,
Huge, shaggy, thirsty, laughing colossus,
Embrace the world,
And would like to buy it a Coke.

None of these saw print. But the contest was won by our personal favorite, E. A. Poe, waxing rhythmical on the Alka Seltzer theme of the same vintage: "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!":

At the banquet, I, unswerving, swallowed serving after serving,
'Though the food was undeserving, and unnerving were my hosts;
Now I wrestle with the question of impending indigestion
And my stomach burbles blindly with the groans of gastric ghosts,
But a plop, plop, plop, and a fizz, fizz, fizz,
Is the only hope that reaches to the depths of my despair,
And my vicious predilection to a chemical addiction
Is as trivial as fiction with this torture to compare.
And my soul sighs for the solace that indubitably is
In the plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop
And the fizz, fizz, fizz, fizz, fizz!

Retailing gossip

2005-11-04T22:58:00.000-08:00

H. Lee Scott, the Walmart chair,
Would love to be adored,
And now is trying hard to wear
The cloak of Henry Ford.
"Our customers need higher pay
To buy the things we sell --
Let Congress raise the floor today,
And all will turn out well."

Since Walmart jobs exceed the floor,
This seems unhypocritical;
Yet Costco pays a whole lot more --
So is it just political?
"Our shoppers should be better paid ...."
(Our workers surely won't,
For state-supported Medicaid
Provides them what we don't.)

You've said that wages should be upped;
A fine idea you've got!
But if our scorn should not erupt,
Then up yours, H. Lee Scott!

We pundits

2005-10-31T23:46:00.000-08:00

We drew our sword;
We cast our veto.
Our reward
Is Sam Alito.

Three out of three ain't good

2005-10-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

From The Federalist, No. 76, by Alexander Hamilton, on senatorial confirmation of presidential nominees:

"[The President] would be both ashamed and afraid to bring forward, for the most distinguished or lucrative stations, candidates who had no other merit than that of [1] coming from the same State to which he particularly belonged, or of [2] being in some way or other personally allied to him, or of [3] possessing the necessary insignificance and pliancy to render them the obsequious instruments of his pleasure. "

Puritan pundits pull out their pliers,
Pinching the Prez over Harriet Miers,
Stunned that they've received no surety
Of her ideological purity.
Liberals of suspicious mind
Naturally, though, expect to find
Anyone Mr. Bush delivers
"Pure" enough to give them shivers.

And neither are greatly mollified
By finding her so unqualified.
Will any old lawyer suit that Court
Who knows how to serve a half-baked tort?

But the greatest objection to letting a crony in
Is that it's so patently un-Hamiltonian.
Will the whole Senate exclaim with defiance, "We
Shun insignificance! Veto pliancy!"
Or will Mr. Bush get to keep his treasure,
"Obsequious instrument of his pleasure?"

Poor Mr. Hamilton can't be blamed;
Who'd think of a leader who can't be shamed?

Doctrinal purity to the tune of

2005-08-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

The purges of rational, scientific, or dissenting voices from the executive branch continue, with two cases this week alone: Lawrence A. Greenfeld of the Bureau of Justice Statistics, and Pentagon defense contracting specialist Bunnatine H. Greenhouse (who would make a great Groucho character if she weren't an African American woman. And if there was anything funny about her situation. And if Groucho were alive). Kudos to The Washington Post for keeping us aware of these.

Sung to a tune that you will either identify immediately or that you don't know:

Now inconvenient facts
Are something that distracts
The Bush Administration not a bit;
They simply get the urge,
And have a little purge,
And those who bore the tidings take the hit.

CHORUS:
Don't tell the truth
The awful awful truth
They just won't hear it anymore;
'Cause if you tell the truth
The awful awful truth
They're gonna kick your keister* out the door.

To Bunnatine H. Greenhouse
The White House was a mean house,
Although her name's the best there's ever been.
She told the press we're hurtin'
Because of Halliburton
And she won't see the Pentagon again.

CHORUS:
Don't tell the truth, etc.

And Greenfeld (Lawrence A.)
Got gently led away
About a press release on traffic stops.
Who'd guess (in certain cases)
That men of certain races
Are treated somewhat rougher by the cops?

CHORUS:
Don't tell the truth, etc.

Now Bunnatine and Larry
Have heavy loads to carry
It's hard to keep your job and make a scene.
But names can be a curse.
They might just make it worse.
I guess it isn't easy being Green-.

CHORUS [a cappella this time!]:
Don't tell the truth, etc.

Wooooohooooo!

_________________________
*Substitute a different two-syllable synonym in each subsequent chorus: hiney, tuchis, fanny.

Post post

2005-08-27T23:18:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post is responsible for this week's lack of a real poem. They're having a poetry contest in the Style Invitational, and the entire nightquill writing staff has been put to work creating limericks to appear under the laughably generic pseudonym we use when appearing in that publication. This particular name is the most effective guarantee of anonymity that we've found in this interconnected world:

Better fight, like Hercules,
The Hydra's heads of myth;
Better drink the seven seas
Than google "David Smith"!

The Post itself, however, comes to our rescue with this new round of news poems by the great Gene Weingarten.

found humor

2005-08-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

Found on a Starbucks coffee cup containing burnt-tasting espresso in San Jose Airport. Yes, even the disclaimer.

"The humble improve."

--Wynton Marsalis

This is the author's opinion, not necessarily that of Starbucks.

counterpoint for trumpet and organs

2005-08-16T01:16:00.000-07:00

On the same recent day that the President said:

"Iraqis are taking control of their country, building a free nation that can govern itself, sustain itself and defend itself. And we're helping Iraqis succeed,"

two senior administration officials were telling the Washington Post, on condition of anonymity, what many of us told them in letters before the war started:

"What we expected to achieve was never realistic ... we're ... shedding the unreality that dominated at the beginning."

and

"We set out to establish a democracy, but we're slowly realizing we will have some form of Islamic republic."

Although it's heartening that two years of war experience are gradually bringing our neocon leaders up to the level of worldliness of a rather uninformed astrophysicist, it is depressing that this news has to leak softly out of the White House underbelly while the President obeys his unwavering dictum:

Nothing calls for sacrifice; be upbeat all day long;
And never
ever
ever
EVER
EVER
say you're wrong.

integrity

2005-08-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

Ignoring mutterings in the blogosphere that he was no friend of Rumsfeld and the neocons, we take the Army at its word that General Kevin P. Byrnes, just short of retirement, has become the first four-star general to be relieved of his command in modern times solely because of an extramarital affair with a civilian that could have had no demonstrable relevance to his work running academic and training programs at the Army's schools. Four-star generals are not the usual objects of sympathy in this space, but for some reason we got so riled we became even less funny than usual:

General Kevin Byrnes has been relieved of his command;
The first four-star in modern times to be thus rudely canned.
A lifetime full of service doesn't matter, they declare,
For General Byrnes has had an extramarital affair.

There wasn't any question of subordinates or harassment;
It should be just a personal (if terrible) embarrassment.
Of all the ways to thank our soldiers, this I think's the least good:
To treat them not as loyal public servants, but a priesthood.

If war is not our state religion, why does our security
Demand so many sexual criteria of purity?
Why else are lies that lead to war forgiven a Commander-
In-Chief, while one sure way to get impeached is to philander?

So as the brass at Abu Ghraib enjoy their lamb and rice,
Let's bid farewell to General Byrnes, the human sacrifice.
Remember whom your nation cheers; remember whom it spurns;
And think about the Private Hell where General Kevin Byrnes.

beautifully said (i.e. not ours)

2005-08-10T00:10:00.000-07:00

This is neither ours nor poetry nor funny. It's just a quote from a Richard Cohen column in the Washington Post which we think is beautifully put. The topic is the revelation that John Roberts once took a pro bono case on behalf of a gay rights group opposing a Colorado law explicitly allowing discrimination against homosexuals.

"The spectacle of conservative groups and the White House rushing to assure their constituencies that Roberts is not -- really and truly -- a tolerant man is both repulsive and absurd. In the end, this tethering of conservatism to the lost cause of homophobia will earn the rebuke of history."

--Richard Cohen, The Washington Post, 9 August 2005, Page A17

sigh-sigh-science

2005-08-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

In 2002, we were forced to install soundproofing in the nightquill Science and Technology wing so the rest of us could get some work done over the sounds of wailing and gnashing of teeth. Between stem-cell research, global warming, the slashing of science at NASA, and the perpetually unworkable Star Wars missile defense, the Administration's ongoing battle against scientific consensus has been one of the grimmest obsessions in our offices, to the detriment of more pressing issues, such as the Administration's ongoing battles against the consensus of experts in international relations.

The President recently gave comfort to those who believe that in science, as in politics, the presence of a small but highly vocal minority on an issue entitles their doctrine to equal time with one established by overwhelming evidence and supported by a nearly-unanimous consensus. The issue is, of course, the teaching of evolution in schools, one that should have been resolved a century ago even with the evidence available then.

The champions of ignorance just scored a little coup:
The President has just weighed in (as Presidents will do)
About our children's science classes, adding to the strife
Surrounding the inclusion of a faith-based view of life.
It's not the very best of ways to mend our fractured fences
When politicians meddle with a discipline's consensus.
Now was this just meandering? A random illustration
Of gaps that show up even in an Ivy education?
Or pitched to fundamentalists? Does it show the signs
Of being one of Mr. Rove's intelligent designs?

off topic

2005-08-02T02:06:00.000-07:00

Our food correspondent has persuaded us to take another temporary detour from politics in honor of his upcoming trip to Corsica, where he thinks Nightquill should establish a new branch office. He is fooling himself. What cannot be handled from Malta or Cannes will have to take care of itself. We are not made of money.

I go through Europe feeling hurt
That cheese is thought of as dessert.
The Frenchman mutters "Quel dommage!"
When parted from his swell fromage.
That Englishman is an impoucester
Who doesn't love his Double Gloucester.
The Spaniard, too, (I heard one say so)
Will often end a meal con queso.
Aged Gruyere can be delicious,
But must I give up sweeter dishes?
Brie seems merely chazerei
When faced with viennoiserie.
Cheese or sweets? Or will it do
To have my cakes and Edam too?

The Strong Lieder Waltz

2005-07-25T23:31:00.000-07:00

At the start, there was no refutin'
That Bush got along with Putin.
Each is a man among whose talents is
Chipping away at checks and balances.

Yes, at the start, he had a mere
Flirtation with "good ol' Vladimir".
But now he's required to act more tut-tutly:
The Russian grabs power a bit too unsubtly.

Putin was slightly speedier
In squelching the prying media
While Bush (through Ken Tomlinson) quietly planned a
Slow transformation to state propaganda.

Of course there's no need to mention
Their penchants for secret detention.
Though new disagreements may currently puzzle 'em
They're soulmates when faced with a militant Muslim.

Exposure to Bush's style
May teach Vladimir to smile.
Let's hope that the influence that way is ample,
And Bush doesn't imitate Putin's example.

Roberts, what else?

2005-07-21T02:51:00.000-07:00

The cheer is a trademark device of Calvin Trillin's, but I'm borrowing it for the occasion of welcoming a figure who will probably be with us for decades......

John G. Roberts, he's our guy!
Clark Kent in a power tie!
Business lawyer, pure and simple --
What a mind! And what a dimple!
______________

And also:

Roberts' record's fairly thin; he's not had time to fill it. He
Has argued cases more than judged; a nice deniability
Therefore adheres to what he wrote, since he can always say
The views were just his client's, and he doesn't think that way.

The Left and the Religious Right may well both make a scene,
Allowing Bush to claim that he has found the Golden Mean.
It's not about the Golden Mean, if truth be really told:
What matters is what this will mean to those who have the gold.

nerve

2005-07-14T00:15:00.000-07:00

RNC chairman Ken Mehlman is scheduled to apologize to the NAACP tomorrow for the Republicans' "Southern Strategy" from 1968 through the 90's of using race as a wedge issue to pick up Southern white voters from the Democrats.

For all I know, Ken Mehlman
May really be a swell man;
And means it from his heart
When he decries the part
His predecessors played
In stoking racial hatred
To make each Southern state "red"
And "Dixicracy" fade.

It seems to give the RNC
Some precious moral currency
While Dean proceeds to scoff more
And act the college sophomore.
But glance at past election maps;
You'll see why they're big-hearted.
The strategy can now elapse.
They finished what they started.

Republicans, when flying high
Will sometimes start exhortin'
All African Americans
To come into the fold.
But when they're losing other fans
And Southern states approach a tie,
That stuff* will soon get old.
Then bring on Willie Horton.

* Adult readers are encouraged to substitute a more vivid and poetic word here.

halloween comes early this year

2005-07-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

Warning: If you're new to nightquill, skip this post and look at some of our other stuff. This post is not our usual format, which is light verse based on politics and the news. Our Target Demographic found this strange and too dark (although it's supposed to be funny).

_________________________________________________

This is our answer to Coleridge (not that he asked) -- a version of one of these couplets did come from a dream, but the rest has been slaved over for years, on and off (mostly off, of course). We'll be back to politics next time.

The Cafe of Cacophony

I wandered 'round on a street in town I had never been down before,
And I thirsted a thirst that was worse than the thirst
that that pondering person in Poe's poem nurs'd
for the love of his lost Lenore.
I forced my feet through the silent street that the dogs and drunkards pee on,
And I groped, and I moped, and I hoped against hope for a glimpse of friendly neon.

My life and times were a crowd of crimes that had laid my soul to waste:
Sins of commission, sins of omission, and sins against good taste.
I could make Don Juan look like Elton John (counting number of female conquests)
And I'd broken records, hearts and chairs on my many honky-tonk quests.

At last there loomed from the midnight gloom a dim little sign marked "OPEN."
At the end of my rope came a surge of the hope against which I'd been hopin':
That this door discrete on a dead-end street could provide me a drink or morsel.
And "The Cafe of Cacophony" was engraved upon the door sill.

The dank decor was a bilious bore, when I pulled aside the curtain,
Like a cheap casino outside of Reno, directed by Tim Burton
(Or perhaps in a pinch
by David Lynch).
I pushed and ploughed through the loudest crowd that I ever had so far seen,
Every gruesome guest so bizarrely dressed that I thought of the Star Wars bar scene.
I craved a quaff of some good decaf, and I coughed out, "Have you got any?"
But the staffers laugh at decaf at The Cafe of Cacophony.

A band weighed in with a dreadful din like a drill press playing Zappa,
Mixed in a kettle with bad speed metal and sung by a Russian rapper.
My heart was seized with a nameless dread, so I thought that I ought to name it.
"Your name is Fred" I inanely said, but it didn't help to tame it.

The counter girl brushed a stray blue curl off an ear nine tenths metallic,
And she touched my sleeve as I tried leave, and in tones blase and Gallic
She murmured low, "You can try to go, but I guess I ought to warn ya
That this address offers less egress than 'The Hotel California.'"

Then I knew too well I had found a hell which I'd thought was a harmless haven,
And my vision blurred at the thought of the word
that was said to the man by the big black bird
(I'm alluding to "The Raven");
Something worse than mace hissing in my face yanked me back as my soul was sinking,
And I knew no sleep ever gave respite
In this foul, frenetic, fluorescent night
As my pupils swelled to absorb the light,
Unprepared, uncontrolled, unblinking........

I've been ill at ease, but by slow degrees I've been feeling less and less so,
And a desperate grin starts to settle in by your 94th espresso,
And the nicotine plays a polonaise on your frayed and frazzled nerves,
As the customers graze from silver trays of uppers and hors d'ouvres.
I'd never been on drugs before, now I'll nevermore be off any,
But I'll drag my days through the hectic haze at The Cafe of Cacophony.

Memo to President Bush

2005-07-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

I see you still have not made Calvin Trillin Poet Laureate.
Are you sorry yet?

ok, ok, too easy

2005-07-09T00:27:00.000-07:00

Cheney had a heart exam;
I'm glad it was a sound one.
But still, I have to say I am
Astonished that they found one.

one to check out

2005-07-03T01:53:00.000-07:00

The nightquill marketing department has recently spent time combing the web for other folks doing this (besides, of course, the great Calvin Trillin and occasionally the splendiferous Gene Weingarten). We haven't found any other real regulars yet, but an extremely funny man named David Jaggard has done this nice piece of work around the last election.

toast (dread and butter)

2005-07-02T17:57:00.000-07:00

I hope that all the nation on the Fourth will toast the honor
Of that thoughtful, careful jurist, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.
Who'd ever think the Left would pine, the Right wing dance with glee
At the imminent departure of a Reagan appointee?
But come this Monday evening, when we all should feel as one,
The partisan can't help but dread the fight that's just begun.
The show of lights that fills the sky won't touch the nervous heart
That waits for Tuesday morning, when the fireworks will start.

when will they EVER learn?

2005-06-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

For Sen. Durbin (and Sen. Santorum, and Sen. Byrd, and ...)

If you've something to belittle, be a politic belittler,
And don't compare that person, plan or policy to Hitler!

from the Singapore office

2005-06-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

nightquill's Asian Cultural Affairs desk in Singapore reports that although chewing gum cannot be sold there or brought into the country in sellable quantities, visitors may bring a small amount for personal use if they dispose of it properly. But we wonder:

Since Singapore teens fill their iPods with things
Which they'll play at the mall while they shop,
What is it a Singapore pop-singer sings
If he doesn't sing bubblegum pop?

finish it yourself

2005-06-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

I try to hold the feeling back, but hourly it grows:
My burgeoning obsession over Alan Greenspan's nose.
And when I glimpse that Monument, that National Protuberance,
I feel a little tingle of __________ _________.

yes there is

2005-06-11T00:44:00.000-07:00

You can visit http://www.housingfroth.com.
You might not enjoy yourself that much when you get there, but isn't it nice to know?

pay no attention to that little man behind the curtain

2005-06-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

If the chairman of the Fed would
Say we have a housing bubble,
Claiming mortgages are deadwood,
Recent buyers might be wroth.

That could cause a lot of trouble,
Putting markets in a panic.
Even if we're now too manic,
Better not to stir the broth.

So Alan Greenspan, with Reserve,
Fluttered like an aged moth;
Said with humor (but less nerve)
There are local "signs of froth."

I did taw a puddy tat

2005-06-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

Now welcome back the lovely lynx!
We thought he teetered on the brynx
Of several causes of extynx-
ion; scientists, however, note a
New upsurge in Minnesota.
Sixty now make up its quota
Of this silky feline predator
(Who we hope is not a snob cat,
Since your very humble editor
Thought that he was just a bobcat.)

Thirty now wear GPS.
Do the others find them geeky?
Or is it dressing to impress,
Stylish, and slightly cheeky?
Anyhow, they're just the thynx
For tracking down a missing lynx.

We wish they weren't quite so rare
(Since we are not a snowshoe hare);
To help them get hooked up and bred,
We could provide cell phones instead.

Stay back -- this is fully charged!

2005-06-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

U.S. Marines found a large bunker cut into a rock quarry in Karmah, Iraq today. The Associated Press article, quoting the announcement from the Marine Corps, said:

The weapons [found] included "numerous types of machine guns, ordnance, including mortars, rockets and artillery rounds, black uniforms, ski masks, compasses, log books, night vision goggles, and fully charged cell phones."

Dutch crunch

2005-06-01T23:31:00.000-07:00

Alas.
The Dutch also took a pass.
They must be choking on their frites and mussels
In Brussels.

correction to Saturday's post

2005-06-01T00:03:00.000-07:00

The Target Demographic reports that Mary Matalin was once in a short-lived HBO series.

the French say "non!"

2005-05-30T01:05:00.000-07:00

Oh zut alors! and quel dommage!
Monsieur Chirac, the big fromage,
Has found his hopes a mere mirage,
And all his talk but persiflage
As France's voters choose to dodge
New Europe's Constitution.

Oh sacre bleu! Mais non! Euille vaît! *
The progress of Fraternité
Has hit a little bump today
And all the voting went the way
Of hanging onto Liberté.
So vive la dévolution!

A gallic shrug, a "c'est la vie,"
Is really all there is to c'est.
It's "non", not "aye"; or "I", not "oui";
Turn back from Avenue Fortie **
And take a walk down Rue Dider. **

If unfamiliar with this * French exclamation or these ** Parisian streets, pronounce them slowly.

I'll take movies for 500, Alex

2005-05-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

Today we take a break from both poetry and politics. The answer is:

CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD
or
JESUS CHRIST, SUPERSTAR

The question was overheard by a junior editor at the nightquill entertainment desk, who was recently in New Orleans covering the local music industry. Our staffer shared an elevator with a couple who remained silent during the descent. As they were leaving the elevator ahead of him, the young husband asked his wife, very suddenly and distinctly:

"What movie was Mary Magdalene in?"

Notes: Our staffer never heard the reply. Actor Marlee Matlin played Sarah Norman in Children of a Lesser God. As far as we know, Republican political operative and author Mary Matalin has never appeared in a motion picture.

back on page 1

2005-05-25T12:17:00.000-07:00

The cover of USA Today (May 25) and the wire services are filled with pictures of centrist heroes John McCain and Joeseph Lieberman. Funny how the two with presidential ambitions are the only ones of the Filibuster Fourteen to get their faces associated with the deal....

There they are in the paper again,
The feral grimace of John McCain
And the leprechaun grin
Of Lieberman.

Fourteen senators blocked the bluster
Surrounding judicial filibuster.
Fourteen votes caused the plot to thicken
And put an end to this game of chicken.
Fourteen faces showed joy and pain,
But in the spotlight just two remain:
The feral grimace of John McCain
And the leprechaun grin
Of Lieberman.

So many wrongs for a knight to redress!
So many piles of fresh, hot press!
So many chances for showing the artisanship
In rising above all the other guys' partisanship!
'Til 2008, if we stand the strain,
We'll hear their plain speaking in endless refrain
And the papers will show us, until we're insane,
And their images rattle around in our brain,
The feral grimace of John McCain
And the leprechaun grin
Of Lieberman.

oh, Howard

2005-05-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

According to The Washington Post, Democratic chairman Howard Dean recently called the Republican leadership "brain-dead" during a speech in Toronto, and has lately used equally inflamatory language in other settings.

Howard Dean is getting mean,
And brands the opposition
"Corrupt" and "evil", "brain-dead" too.
Division's not your mission!
As party head, you must, instead,
Seek out the moral high ground.
These bitter games of calling names
Are not your ground -- they're my ground.
Howard, please clean up your act,
And better do it pronto.
And, Howard -- they don't vote
In our elections in Toronto.

for The Master

2005-05-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

If you haven't, take a look
At Mr. Calvin Trillin's book.
If poems were money (heaven willin'!)
I'd find it more than merely thrillin'
To be one-tenth as rich as Trillin.
When my muse has flagged, I galvan-
Ize it quick by reading Calvin.
The book's not all; just take a peek
As every single blessed week
All our major right-wing villains
Are skewered by that pen of Trillin's.
Among The Nation's leading lights*,
Ingeniously on he writes.

*(His work this way I'd gladly tout
Both with italics and without.)

News poems in the Post today!

2005-05-15T00:59:00.000-07:00

The media desk here at nightquill is abuzz with the results of this week's humor contest (The Style Invitational) in the Washington Post. The contest was to do what we try to do here every week -- make light verse on the news -- but was restricted to articles appearing in the Post three weeks ago. We have obtained special permission from one of the entrants (and the Post) to repost his entries here. So here are three of the winning poems, from David Smith of Santa Cruz. You are encouraged to go to the Post to see the rest of the entries, particularly those of the winner, Brendan Beary, who rules.

Placing at first runner-up: a poem based on an article about the arrest of Anna Ayala for fraud in the finger-in-the-Wendy's-chili case. One of the tidbits (sorry) in this article was the ruling-out of a finger which had been bitten off another woman by her pet leopard. In case you're interested, it has recently been established that the finger came from an associate of Ms. Ayala's husband, so you should go back and eat at Wendy's just as much as you always did.

What a perfect news concoction:
Grand Guignol and farce! Any
Reader loves a story mixing
Leopards, limbs and larceny.
Things look bad for Ms. Ayala,
But diners' doubts still linger:
Everybody's still not sure
Who gave whom the finger.

Earning an honorable mention from the Post was the following poem about the reservations of moderate Republicans on the Senate Foreign Relations committee concerning the nomination of John Bolton for ambassador to the UN.

Lincoln Chafee may defect;
White House rage is molten;
From the ambassador-elect
Others may be boltin'.

White House spokesmen never cease
Their bold, defensive mania.
Condoleezza says her piece
From distant Lithuania.

Chafee, Hagel, Voinovich,
Stoppin' now, and thinkin';
Could it be? Some sanity?
The party, still, of Lincoln?

For Bolton's bid, it's not too late
To hear of things that taint it.
The Senate's right to full debate
Is truly sacred -- ain't it?

Finally, this poem, based on an article about a meeting between representatives of Sony and Toshiba who are trying to agree on the next generation of DVD technology, was one of a set of extra honorable-mention poems not appearing in print but available in the online edition of the Post.

Sony and Toshiba Corp.
Rolled out tatami floor mats,
Sat down and started haggling
On DVDs' new formats.
Who will get to set the trends?
Who remain alive?
In the end, it all depends
Who's got the greater drive.

nucular option

2005-05-10T23:57:00.000-07:00

The leaders who control the Senate,
Like a thousand-pound gorilla,
Don't abide by any tenet
Which could curb them; no scintilla
Of regret they'll show, no smidgen,
When judicial filibuster
(Thousand-pound-gorilla buster)
Goes the way of the Passenger Pigeon.

This move would be extremely clever
For those who plan to rule forever.
But will they long for lost tradition
Next time they're the opposition?

If overreaching strains your wrist,
Go complain to Dr. Frist.

See it done right

2005-05-07T19:43:00.000-07:00

Gene Weingarten, the former Czar of the Washington Post's Style Invitational, writes a great weekly column in the Washington Post Magazine called "Below the Beltway." We only just found out that on December 19 he did this superb set of poems on the news. We are envious, but we always knew he was The Man.

micro-Scopes

2005-05-06T00:14:00.000-07:00

Eighty years have passed since Scopes,
But somehow Darwin's on the ropes,
The circus, this time, in Topeka.
Creationists exclaim "Eureka!"
And see a venue for their hopes
Of rolling knowledge back a smidgen
(Not just bad science -- bad religion!
What could any faith be worth
Which stands or falls on dating Earth?)

Yet it's not the pious sages
Yearning for the Middle Ages
Who disturb my sleep the most;
Rather, it's the greater host
Of those from whom the works of science
Meet the same morose defiance
Given by our jaded youth
To anyone who claims "the truth".
The proofs mount up with each new fossil,
Yet multitudes are always leery,
Despite the evidence colossal,
Of anything that's "just a theory."
That's what chills me to the marrow.

Where the hell is Clarence Darrow?

Boeing, Starbucks, Microsoft

2005-04-28T00:02:00.000-07:00

Texas prairies breed crude oil,
Mushroom cans breed botulism.
Something in Seattle's soil
Seems to breed monopolism.

Boeing bounces back

2005-04-27T23:55:00.000-07:00

Two huge orders from Air India and Air Canada.

Ain't it swell how things are going?
Orders fell, and now they're growing.
Empty cup or overflowing:
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

unsociable insecurity

2005-04-27T00:55:00.000-07:00

The debate over optional privatized social security accounts, which the White House has managed to persuade most of the press to rechristen "personal accounts" has been heating up to an unhealthy degree.

Social Security
Needs, in futurity,
Greater amounts;
But are private accounts
Meant to refine it
Or just undermine it?

As President Bush
Roams the country to sell it, he
Knows how to push.
But will retirees
Get a boost out of these,
Or just Schwab and Fidelity?

One side attacks,
And the tone, which was bitter
Does nothing but worsen; all
DC's a-twitter.
The other strikes back
And screams of atrocities.
Who will survive it?
These new animosities
Will not stay private; no,
This time they're personal.

today, a redirect

2005-04-26T23:48:00.000-07:00

For today, instead of wasting your time here, check out the results from this week's Style Invitational in The Washington Post. Scroll to the bottom of the first page, where it says "Report from Week 603", and proceed through the next few pages. You won't regret it.

in case you hadn't heard....

2005-04-21T23:11:00.000-07:00

...the thing that brought down the anger of the religious Right on Anthony Kennedy was his written opinion against that most sacred ritual, the execution of juveniles.

"Suffer the little children to come unto Me,"
Were the words of every Christian's Master.
Schlafly and DeLay are sore that Justice Kennedy
Will not let them send them there the faster.

thrashing ever more wildly

2005-04-21T22:50:00.000-07:00

Tom DeLay blasted his opponents and Justice Anthony Kennedy on Fox News Radio recently.

DeLay's despair is clear to see,
As all his rantings indicate.
No "vast right-wing conspiracy"
Can touch his "left-wing syndicate".
And though a Reagan nominee,
It only stands to reason
That anyone named Kennedy
Is liberal unto treason.

Global Warning

2005-04-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

The Arctic Refuge needs preserving,
Many on the Left opine,
For all those critters, so deserving.
I would take a different line.

I, against the Right's hysterics,
Offer this unique retort:
All those ugly oil derricks
Will spoil it as a beach resort.

...and what about us?

2005-04-19T01:03:00.000-07:00

"In order to survive ...musk oxen must limit their activity and
conserve energy."
--The Alaska Wilderness League

Consider first the Arab who
Is justifiably concerned
About the oil daily burned,
Pouring into all our ports,
And the way that it distorts
Our urge to spread democracy
And turns it to hypocrisy.

Consider next the caribou
Sensitive to every toxin,
Frolicking among musk oxen,
Tending to its own affairs,
Steering clear of polar bears,
Innocent of oil spills,
Giant trucks and iron drills...

Consider the unfair taboo
Against gas-mileage regulation
Even though such legislation
Pushed through in the seventies
Kept at bay the Japanese --
Saved the ass of old Detroit,
So retrograde and maladroit...

All these things at once distilling,
Clear as day becomes our task; a
Child could see the answer's drilling
Six month's oil from North Alaska.

Did you know?

2005-04-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

On average, two or three people per day use the Google search engine to (presumably) search for the website of Vicks NyQuil, spell it "nightquill" instead, use the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button (presumably), and are for one horrible moment brought to this site instead?

If you are one of those people, sorry for the confusion, but stay and enjoy. The contents might clear your sinuses (through violent laughter) or, more likely, will put you to sleep. Either way, you're good. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. This blog is not intended to cure or treat any disease.

road rage to the tune of...

2005-04-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

..."Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" (Original Words and Music by Lorenz Hart and Richard Rogers)

I'm wild again
And riled again
I drive like a frustrated child again
Aggrieved, angry and aggressive, am I.

I pass a lot
Feed gas a lot
And flash my high beams at your a-- a lot
Aggrieved, angry and aggressive, am I.

Honk and I'll chew your head off;
I know some nasty words;
Your in luck if you get off
With being flipped the bird.

Insane again
A pain again
And ready to swoop through your lane again
Aggrieved, angry and aggressive, am I.

Right behind, I drive closer
Than a dog to a flea
May you merge? I say no, sir!
'Least not ahead of me.

I swerve a lot
Show nerve a lot
Perhaps I'll get what I deserve a lot.
Aggrieved, angry and aggressive, am I.
Aggrieved, angry and aggressive, am I!

to just a few...

2005-04-13T02:38:00.000-07:00

...on both the Left and Right, apparently:

I think that I shall never see
Why others make a mystery
Of why Iago made Othello
Fall apart like unset JELL-O*,
Watering his jealousy, until it grew to reach the sky.

No need to go subtextual;
He wasn't homosexual.
He justifies his villainy
In very plain soliloquy
(Line 348, Act I, Scene III):
He thinks the Moor has given him the cuckold's horns, and that is why.

The foremost villain of our day
Has just as plainly had his say.
The thing that sets his blood to boil
Is Christian troops on Muslim soil,
So print this out in boldface type, don't set it off with commas:

The tragedies that he has planned
Were not intended to get banned
The IMF or WTO,
And if you think it must be so,
Then that would be your own obsession speaking, not Osama's.

*JELL-O is a registered trademark of Kraft Foods.

some housekeeping

2005-04-12T00:25:00.000-07:00

Comments may now be posted by anyone; apologies for not defeating the default setting earlier that disallowed it.

Our* father** pointed out that the preceding entry might be misconstrued. We would like to make it clear that we do not believe sanctimoniousness to be any more prevalent among gentiles than Jews; we were merely congratulating Sen. Lieberman for being the first major Jewish politician, that we know of, to use it for political advantage.

*Editorial plural.
**Literal father, lower-case.

To Sen. Joseph Lieberman, "D"-CT

2005-04-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

Let all our people dance for joy:
Equality has come to pass!
No longer need you be a goy
To be a sanctimonious ass.

and other academics

2005-04-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

If Ward Churchill's snubbed at cocktail parties,
He's only got himself to blame,
Like all the little Joe McCarthys
Who get famous by calling people names.

And once we're done defending
his freedoms from attacks,
We'll turn up all our noses,
and show him all our backs.

speaking of scientists

2005-04-07T00:17:00.000-07:00

A friend who's a NASA-funded astrophysicist bemoans the agency's new emphasis on manned spaceflight over science in the form of a protest song:

I started dissertation work when I was 23.
I knew an astrophysicist was what I longed to be.
I wanted to build satellites that gaze up at the stars,
But Mama, I don't wanna go to Mars.

Oh Mama, I don't wanna go to Mars.
I hear there aren't very many bars.
They won't let you bring cigarettes, or even fine cigars.
Oh Mama, I don't wanna go to Mars.

They said "Your research must support the Exploration Vision,
And if you can't adapt to it, you might as well go fishin' ".
But no one bought my argument that spaceflight would be over
If astronauts encountered an uncharted supernova!

Oh Mama, I don't wanna go to Mars.
Don't want to show those NASA medics my appendix scars.
They force you to relieve yourself in tiny little jars.
Oh Mama, I don't wanna go to Mars.

Now if we beg a thousand times they might just save the Hubble --
And leave the rest of science in a thousand kinds of trouble.
And planetary scientists expecting great largesse
Should think of all the science that gets done on ISS!

Oh Mama, I don't wanna go to Mars.
Don't care if lower gravity helps golfers shoot more pars.
In space no one can hear us when we play on our guitars.
Oh Mama, I don't wanna go to Mars.

I still don't know just how we're gonna pay for it.
But please don't take my little grants away for it.
Look in on any campus and you'll see who will be hurtin'
While all those no-bid moonbase contracts go to Halliburton!

Oh Mama, I don't wanna go to Mars.
Just count me with the "no we're nots" and not the "yes we ares",
Let's keep on sending orbiters and funny little cars,
But Mama, I don't wanna go,
And there's no way I'm gonna go,
Mama...I...don't...want...to...go...to.....
[tune changes to "Rocket Man"]: Mars....ain't the kind of place to raise your kids.....
[back to tempo]: So Mama, I don't wanna go to Mars!
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One........No funds.

--Anonymous

to the scientists

2005-04-05T23:28:00.000-07:00

Rocket Scientist Tapped as Next NASA Chief (Michael Griffin)

Scientist Named To Head the EPA (Stephen L. Johnson)

Your fine degrees (in case you've wondered)
Won't add weight to your opinions.
You'll get your scripts from 1600,
Just like all the other minions.

--NQ

Odds and ends

2005-04-04T23:34:00.000-07:00

This is not verse, but it's political. The subject of the article is not funny, but check out the picture and caption. Congratulations to the anonymous editor at the Washington Post who managed to out-Economist The Economist in caption writing.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A29414-2005Jan22.html

This is not political, but it's verse, and it invokes my lame nom de plume:

The coolness people fake will
Never perfectly disguise:
Her business suit says "DayQuil,"
But there's NyQuil in her eyes.

(Originally published in the Style Invitational column of The Washington Post).

NyQuil and DayQuil are registered trademarks of Proctor and Gamble.

Oh, Sandy.

2005-04-04T00:31:00.000-07:00

Throw a cordon 'round the stacks
     And hide those shears
Sandy gets his clearance back
     In just three years.

What possible excuse could there be for ever giving this man access to public documents again? Having said that, I have to add:

Republicans
     Would do it better:
They, at least,
     Would own a shredder.

--NQ

An appreciation

2005-04-04T00:27:00.000-07:00

"Hooray, hooray, for Tom DeLay!"
Let every liberal sing today,
For once, for now, and unalloyed, a
Fleeting sip of schadenfreude
Taste before it pass away.

All the shady contributions,
All contempt for institutions,
Which in others we suspect,
Tom DeLay displays direct.
The President and all his cronies
Have the unabashed cojones
To conceal their worst abuses
Under smiles and excuses.
"National security"
Keeps in dark obscurity
Every probable mistake,
All the bribes we think they take.
Closet bullies, one and all,
But Tom's the one who can't recall
Every time push comes to shove
Where he left his velvet glove.

His long career will shortly pass,
So while he's here, let's raise a glass
To those who labor, day and night,
To prove our preconceptions right.

And quickly come to pass the day
When Congress works -- without DeLay.

--NQ

in memoriam

2005-04-02T23:51:00.000-08:00

Whatever other teachings of John Paul
We may at other times have bridled at,
Let liberal America recall
A man and Church whose reverence for all
Humanity required that "pro-life"
Did not just mean an embryo's, but that
Of he who set the bomb, or drew the knife,
Or fired the gun. Wojtyla requiescat.

--NQ

Sonnet

2005-04-02T22:45:00.000-08:00

I thought this was too political for the New England Shakespeare Festival's Annual Sonnet Contest (also, they're charging to enter this year). Their challenge was a sonnet on the theme of "The Dangers of Love".

The politicians' falsities which roil us
And cost our public servants public trust
Are not the sins of Caesar, but of Troilus:
Not public power-seizure; private lust.

If Caesar's spouse must be above suspicion,
So Caesar must, if just in private life;
The overwhelming odor of ambition
Smells sweet if he is faithful to his wife.

He may buy the country whole, and he may sell it; he
May lie to bring us into war, and then
Divide the spoils with his friends. Fidelity
Is all the Empire asks of public men.

When will we learn the time to make a fuss
Is when the party most deceived.....is us?

--NQ

Welcome

2005-04-02T22:31:00.000-08:00

This space will present occasional light verse, mostly on political topics, ranging from merry to rude to bitter (I'm a liberal and I have a lot to be bitter about these days). Comments are good, and verse is better. Feel free to distribute this material under the Creative Commons license shown (with attribution to the pseudonym "Nightquill", and no commercial use).

Thanks, and I hope you enjoy!